Considering that I’m half-stoned on codeine, now is perhaps not the most appropriate time to be answering emails. But since I STILL have no TV, I’m grasping for things to do.

So…we “weren’t having much success.” That’s not how things seemed to me, but I suppose that would depend on one’s definition of success. We were spending time together once in a while, enjoying that time together, and having (c’mon, admit it!) really great sex that both of us knew wasn’t leading anywhere else. Perhaps “friends, with benefits” might have been a better term for such an arrangement, but you seemed fairly content with it either way.

From that we’ve arrived at blocking each other’s messenger IDs and communicating through a series of terse, tearful (on my part anyway) emails. How did we get here David?? Obviously after my deal, some things had to change. I knew that, never questioned it. But “I don’t ever want to see you again” is pretty drastic.

Help me understand this, David, because right now it’s sad and confusing.

You’re not even going to answer my email, are you? After all of this, you’re going to just dump me by the curb at a time when I need my friends so badly. Do you have any idea, David, how that makes me feel? I’m the same person I’ve been all along…the same person whose company you seemed to enjoy a great deal before this came about.

Both of us knew going into this that the physical aspect was not going to go on indefinitely. At some point, one of us was going to meet someone we wanted to pursue a relationship with, and the physical part was going to stop. There was never a question about that, on either side. Let me make one thing clear…after learning this I never once expected to be intimate with you again. That wasn’t what I was looking for the night I told you, this past weekend, right now, or at any point in the future. Since we stopped dating, all I’ve ever wanted with you is a comfortable companionship. The rest was just a bonus.

If you remember, it hasn’t been very long ago at all that you appeared on my doorstep, waking me up at 11 o’clock, on a weeknight, without calling first. You were upset about a girl. Despite all of that, I let you in and I let you stay. I really didn’t mind. I told you, that’s what friends were for. I held you and let you talk, told you how sorry I was that whatever it was wasn’t working out. It would not have mattered to me one iota whether we had had sex or not. You were a friend, someone that I cared about, and you were having a rotten time of it. You came to me looking for comfort. That’s all that I’ve needed the past several days…comfort. Not sex. I don’t care if I ever have sex again. I need and needed to receive back just a little of what I had given, but instead I feel like I’ve had the door slammed in my face. I hope you don’t ever know how badly this hurts.

Me and Scott in Vail

And some in color…

Some of my Black & White works

I’ve always been a big fan of lists…to-do lists, shopping lists, study lists. I survived many of my college exams by converting my class notes into lists. I suppose one could also call this particular list Things That Piss Me Off, or Stuff That Irritates the Shit Out of Me. Let’s begin, shall we??

* Not answering an instant message when it’s obvious you’re sitting right in front of the computer. For chrissakes, it would take all of five seconds to just type, Hey, busy right now, chat later. C’mon, people…flat ignoring someone is one of the biggest displays of poor manners that there is. I know your mother taught you better.

* Making a lame excuse…for anything. That only works when you’re talking to a small child…the rest of us grownups can smell lameness a mile away.

* If you can’t drive any faster than the speed limit, get OUT of the damn left lane. You ever see those signs that say, “Slower Traffic Keep Right”?? Pay attention. God created the right lanes for people who drive cars with sewing machine engines in them.

* The Asian people at the nail salon that chatter away in Korean or Vietnamese when its obvious that all the customers speak English. What ARE they talking about? Are they making fun of the chick in the next booth with the funky shoes??

* Whispering to someone when others are present. Doesn’t matter a bit what you’re really talking about…the people left out of the exchange are going to feel like you’re whispering about them. If you need to be confidential about something, send a text message. Everybody has a cell phone these days.

I’m sure I’ll add to this list as time goes on, but for now just thinking of the things I’ve already written is pissing me off, so I’m going to go and pursue a more fulfilling endeavor.

That, and a can of Mt. Dew, and what else does a person need, right? How about a little companionship, or even a little f’in TV.

I don’t feel like I have anybody to talk to right now. No one is answering their phone, their email or their text messages, and David thinks I’m a pest. No one’s around to chat…everyone I know if off having a life. Must be nice. Spent over $100 yesterday making myself look nice, and there’s nobody around to even see it.

Funny how I always have time when David wants to do something, but when *I* need a little love he’s got other things to do.

Why do you insist on keeping up this charade? Stop kidding yourself and everyone around you that you’re getting on with your life, because you’re not.

Either go back to Marsha and all the dysfunction that comes with it, or get her out of your life altogether. And for the love of God don’t involve anyone else in your life until you’ve done one of those two things. Don’t make someone else your stepping stone, your yoyo, your Rebound Girl, your I’m-Lonely-And-Horny Girl, like you made me.

Sometimes, Mark, you either have to shit or get off the pot – and this is one of those times. Take Marsha back and stop bitching about how bad it was, or get rid of her completely and move on. You will not be emotionally available even to yourself, let alone another person, until you do. And don’t go fucking around with someone else’s life until you have your own shit together.

It IS good to feel better, and have more motivation, but right this minute I’m feeling a little bit lonely. While everyone took my news fairly well on the whole, I’m finding out that doesn’t mean they necessarily want to be around me anymore.

I think I’m getting a polite brush-off from David, and Mark was tactless enough to tell me that he’s going out with Marsha this weekend. Thanks Mark. I really needed to know that. He was quick to point out that there was “no physical stuff” going on, but I’ve been around long enough to know that old habits die hard. I just hope he has the good sense and decency not to tell me about it.

So…onward and upward from here, right? New places, new faces. Sure. Whatever. Instead of exhilaration, right now I’m feeling isolated and left behind. Old habits die hard for me, too.

After three weeks of feeling worse than crap, I think I’ve found myself again. Work is better, more productive, and my mind is rid of a whole lot of junk and clutter.

This evening I was feeling so good I decided to have a date with myself. I went out after work and got a new haircut, wax, manicure and pedicure. Its so nice to feel like a girl again…and look like one! Once that was done I decided to treat myself to one of those $4 coffees from Starbucks. And who should I run into at Starbucks…but David! How funny is that?? Turns out he was meeting a girl, I assume for the first time. We chatted for a quick minute and I went on my way. He looked great. [sigh]

Anyway…with all this newfound positive energy I’m going to spend the weekend getting this house in order. When I’m depressed everything goes to hell, and that includes the chores. I’m going to get my clothes squares away once and for all…I went to Target at lunch and bought about three dozen hangers. Probably don’t have the closet space to fit them all! When the house is done I’ll feel completely put together.

And won’t that be a switch…